One year ago, we started our blogs separately and almost at the same time. You found a new love. I was struggling to keep mine sane. Life has been so different for the both of us. Eventually, life has it's own ways of bringing people back together. But i fell for you unknowingly. The moment you started mailing me, my heart fluttered. Then we started chatting over SMSes. A wavering heart does no one good. I almost made a certain decision but the future was just too uncertain. Maybe i should have decided back then to ease the pain of 3. Maybe. Just maybe. But there are bound to be people who are selfish. Maybe this might just be what they call as 'Karma'. But have i really paid back what i owe?
Does one really have to fear love? What reservations do we have with regards to love? When 2 people really love each other, but due to their past, be it shared or separate, do they really end up holding back? Will fear eventually break the bond that they try so hard to keep? If both will be hurt just as much when a relationship ends, then why do they still end it? Life is so complicated. I wished i knew all the answers. I wish i could help myself. But well knowing that i am no longer perfect, i no longer have the right to expect. I can only resign to fate.
Fate, i never believed in it. I always thought i had my own fate in my own hands. I decide which path i will take and how i will walk it but reality slaps you so hard in the face, you have no choice but to accept what it has for you. But it is weird how reality wakes me and yet embraces me. But who knows when it'll throw me out into the blistering cold. The daunting warmt of reality might just be the very poison that makes me cold.
Realisation
Somehow, everyone has grown.
Moved on and forgotten
Or remember certain stuff.
And i have choosen
To remain.
To remember and to hope
But now i realise it's time
For me to move on and forget
Or selectively remember.
But there's so much to lose
So much that i'm not willing
To let go of......
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A Friend Lost..
Today i felt as tho
I still knew her
As tho we had always been
Friends over the years
We parted ways unconsciously
Drifted apart without knowing
I missed her
But did she ever think of me?
She claimed she has changed
But from what i have read,
Had she really changed?
Somehow i don't feel so.
If her words are true
And her words reflect her soul,
She hadn't change
I still remember what she once told me.
But at the end of the day,
Who will actually remember
What or who i am.
Do you??
-iWrote 10/17/2005 11:24:00 PM
EmotionsToday i read a blog. It made me cry. I've no idea why but somehow it made me think. Does she ever feels this way for me? Am i really something more to her? Or...like everyone else..they just enjoy criticising me. Making me feel less of myself.
I started this blog so as to have an outlet for my raging emotions. Which of course explains the title of my blog. Avoidance of Reality. Soon from encouraging words to make me blog and keep a healthy soul and mind to criticising my every word, my every entry. Forgiveness, i had always been more willing to give, i decided not to. I will never ever forgive those that turn encouragement to criticism.
I used to be confident. Proud of myself. But now, i might just be totally opposite of what i use to be. To change a person isn't easy but imagine what a few years of criticism and ill treatment can do to one. My friends tell me that i don't deserve such treatment. But i turned a deaf ear on them. Strangely, one might ask why. I've only one reason. Years ago, a close friend told me i didn't deserve a certain treatment from a certain someone. I chose to listen despite how much i know i love that someone. Why? I didn't want to end up being broken like my mum. She really loved my dad you know. But it was never meant to be. She ended up hurt. Maybe even till today, she might not be able to trust. But look at me now. I wished i hadn't listen. I wished i had stayed. I wished there wasn't anyone else but me for her. But that would be selfish. I had left back then. I can't possibly be the one and only one for her. How can one expect another to be alone for 3yrs? While the other is constantly having relationships with others. I have only myself to blame.
In this person's blog that i read today, she mentioned that she felt hurt whenever this other person mentions liking someone else or vice versa. And today, i realised that all the hurt that this person has had to go thru was all coz of one decision i made in the past. And now, it hurts me so terribly. I wish i could turn back time. Erase all of these. Start over. Like playing the games in neopet (Haahaa..). You can always restart.
In the past, i was never ever afraid of what the future might hold for any of my relationships. Now, i am. Not coz of any other reason but for just one reason. Only now do i know what it feels like to really love. I didn't believe that fear stems from love. But now i do.
Eve...In the past, you were my one and only one. Today, tomorrow and in the future to come, you will still be my one and only one. Come what may....
I Love You..
-iWrote 10/16/2005 09:50:00 AM
